My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
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I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi