My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
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If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
How actors in movies eat their food
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”