Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out

*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

I only treason on days ending in y

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

robber: be cool this is a robbery

me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]

I could die and my boss would hold a seance to ask if I have my shift covered.

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.

I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

same energy

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.