My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
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Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
live, laugh, laundry.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
👍
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic