My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
You Might Also Like
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.