“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .