Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

6: you’ll always be my mom right?

me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!

6: what if you’re dead

me: wtf

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.