My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
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Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
