My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
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marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
happy friday
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.