My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
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The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
all that yoga finally paid off
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Free him
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country