Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.

Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.

Me: No one asked you.

some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione

This bar smells like my childhood.

I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

[On date]

Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant

Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”

Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family

me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-

british gas:

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”

go easy on yourself <3

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something