My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
PLOT TWIST:
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My wife gives the best headache.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
