My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
😭😭
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*