Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?

ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

yeet

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

Bless you

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral