My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
You Might Also Like
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.