My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I can also cook 😂
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.