My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”