My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
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I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Just a friendly reminder!
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!