My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
You Might Also Like
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
