My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
You Might Also Like
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?