My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
i can’t wait that long
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
smh
