Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

😂

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

[at the club]

Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in

Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)

Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack

Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.

Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much

me: let me out then

People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.

Thank you corporation very cool

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”