@jimmyfallon

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

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@SentenceReduced

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

@wolfpupy

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

@better_off_dad

If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.

@InternetHippo

me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone

@daemonic3

The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.

@DudeMass

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

@DamienFahey

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

@iGreenGod

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

@BuckyIsotope

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

@jwoodham

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.