My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.


occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt


If you really want to know how someone feels about you, try licking their face.


me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign

booming voice from above: LOG OFF

me: that could’ve been anyone


The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.


Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.


Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.


The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.


RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust


FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.