my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
