my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
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Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
3% human
97% stress
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win