Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…

..Frying the bacon

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

the cia shot me with their diarrhea gun

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.

If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids

If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady

If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch

Women can’t win

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.