My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
Me trying to “trust the process”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.