my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
You Might Also Like
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
“FOUND ‘EM!”
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I have obtained a hat
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.