Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

😂😂

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭