Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

I have never heard an armadillo before.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.

*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.