Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

Grocery clerk: sir please stop

Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.

My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.