my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
You Might Also Like
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
lmaaaaaooooooooo
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?