My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
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When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If I had a time machine, I’d go back and tell the Vikings that ‘MmmBop’ was a war cry.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Hello Twits.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
#Caturday
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.