Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
my cousin’s teacher did the “would you die in the Holocaust?” trick with his class. he pointed my cousin out and said he wouldn’t die cause he’s blonde so he could pass as a Nazi. so my cousin said the teacher has brown hair and eyes just like Hitler & now he’s suspended lmaooo
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Had me at the first half.
Him: How many exes do you have?
Me: Dead or alive?
Him: Wait, how many are dead?
Me: Just the bad half.
Me: Half. Just half.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Boss: You have to stay late.
Me: Oh? Do you believe in magic?
M: *throws smoke bomb, gets lost, falls out window, smoke clears
B: HE’S GOOD!
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?