My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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You wish you had this many chins.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Good morning ☺️
Poetry is my passion
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.