My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
😼🖥️
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.