Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers

Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up

*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*

My Wife… The Bargain Hunter

Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”