Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.