Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions.

“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”

YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.

*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

People who are bad at hiding, I see you

Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand

Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

Me: Wake up

5-year-old:

Me: We’re late

5:

Me: The house is on fire

5:

Me: Your sister touched your stuff

5: *barrel rolls out of bed*

I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?

coworker: a little bird told me—

me: —where

coworker: uh

me: i want to talk to the little bird