My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
You Might Also Like
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me