My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
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[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say