My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.