My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.