Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value

wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

God, I love Scotland

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”

Something Saturday.

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.