Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

Good news

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi

If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”

*Door slams

– Jehova’s Witnesses

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*