Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.

$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguents

I’m barely getting by.

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

Me: this pot sucks

Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men