Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

A flock of dads is called a grill.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?

Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.

HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

“any ideas?”

let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings

“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-