My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how