Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

🤣🤣

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

[home depot]

employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE

me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun