My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

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[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh


[being held hostage]

ME: [dejected] I thought there’d be more actual holding involved.


News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.


“I’m sorry I could never do that for you,” said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.


5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.


Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
-Hash Tag


Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!


Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!

Me: Longest six minutes ever


Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction


The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.