THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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[being held hostage]
ME: [dejected] I thought there’d be more actual holding involved.
News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.
“I’m sorry I could never do that for you,” said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Corned beef and potatoes running aimlessly about on the playground.
Her: I can’t believe you slept with her!
Me: WE WERE ON A BREAK!
Her: I just went to the store to buy bread!
Me: Longest six minutes ever
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.