My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Don’t tell me what to do
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass