My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
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If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”