Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?

Me: …a daughter.

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

BOSS: you’re late

ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

How I flirt with my husband:

I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal