Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:

3) They need their rest.

2) Routine is important.

1) “Game of Thrones” is on.

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

🧠

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*

I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!

Me: He is? How?

2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!

Me:

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

I put the h in mysterious.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.