Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉

😭😭

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

[avengers trailer drops]

ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez

[john wick trailer drops]

ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.