Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.

Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!

Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

San Francisco has too many rules

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

satan: not today, microsoft teams