Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

Mugger: Give me your money

Me: Get ready to see some karate!

Mugger: Oh yeah?

Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child