Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

Here’s a fun number: 8

After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.

Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

I missed my calling in advertising.

“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.

Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.