Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.

Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

YOLO!

Jesus: Hold my wine!

If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*