My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
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me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.