My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.

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Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes


Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep


robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*


Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature


my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.


A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.


Biden: we could call it “Real Talk With Joebama”

Obama: do you even know how to make a podcast, Joe?


In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.


Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.


It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.