@VestaTot

My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.

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@OctopusCaveman

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

@mrjohntofu

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

@hippieswordfish

robber 1: *puts ski mask on head* you grab the money while i kiss all the bankers
robber 2: huh?
robber 1: uh i meant kill *hides lipstick*

@aldomax_

Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature

@mikeym00n

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

@grantgirl2004

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

@bidenandobama

Biden: we could call it “Real Talk With Joebama”

Obama: do you even know how to make a podcast, Joe?

@Parkerlawyer

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

@AndyAsAdjective

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

@alldrolledup

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.