@VestaTot

My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.

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@JJSummertime

It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?

@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@yonewt

Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie

@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

@koalaslament

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

@Browtweaten

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

@MissHavisham

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

@YesIamThatGuy

I go to McDonald’s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car

@SaddestTiger

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.