My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
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During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
iPhone X
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Ummm 😳
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”