My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
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“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?