My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Another year of doing the same thing next to a slightly different number, nice call
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…
Spider: [doing the moonwalk]
Narrator: wtf no
Spider: [breakdancing]
Narrator: omg
Spider: [doing the robot] lol
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.