My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
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When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Ron is short for Aaronald
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself