Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

“I’m so over you.”

– A blanket.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”