My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground