My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.