My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
You Might Also Like
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
