Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
You Might Also Like
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side