my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
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the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.