my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
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I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
You know…for fall…
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.