my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
excuse me
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care