my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
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I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
termite twitter scares me
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Name another movie that mislead you?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.