Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[DATE NIGHT]

Me: You and me baby

Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?

Me: so let’s do it….?

Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!

Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before

Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.

The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh