my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Unmatched
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
A new level of troll.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
hmmm
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10