my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
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dogs can find happiness so easily
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Nothing.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich