my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
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A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Most fashion shows these days…
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks